The Psychologist Read online

  Caleb hung his head. At first, he wasn’t sure whether he would. People would say anything to paint themselves in a better light. Then, upon further reflection, he decided he probably would believe them. He understood how cruel kids could be, and now that they were adults, he imagined that they, like he, would look back on their childhood and regret the bad things they had done.

  Caleb nodded.

  “You see, when you confront these things, Caleb, when you deal with them, they cease to have any power over you.” He stood, which made Caleb glance at the clock. It was past time. He stood as well. “You’ve been very brave, Caleb. For homework this week, I want you to write to yourself as a teenager and give yourself some advice.”

  “Some advice?”

  “Yes. Based on everything you’ve learnt in the past few weeks, I want you to help yourself as a teen. But I want it to come from the heart. Don’t just write something you think I might be pleased with. It has to be raw and honest. Don’t hold back. Imagine you’re desperate to help this young man—the young man you were.”

  Caleb nodded tentatively. He knew this was going to be the most challenging, by far, of all his homework assignments.

  Chapter 5

  Dear Caleb,

  Hi. I’m writing to you from the future. I’m going to tell you some things that will hopefully help you navigate the years ahead and help you to understand the years that have come before.

  First of all, don’t listen to what other people say. When you get older, you’ll realise that being different is not a handicap, but an opportunity. Your difference can take you places where others are unable to go because they simply don’t have the skills or the imagination to get there. Perhaps that’s why they make your life hell. They know, or at least sense, that you’re cut out for something wonderful and they’re jealous. Look at how many famous actors and singers were picked on and bullied at school because they were different. They went on to become rich and famous and have lives that most of us can only dream about. I’m not saying you will be a famous actor or singer, but the point is, you can use your difference to do anything you put your mind to.

  When things get rough at school, when the other kids are tormenting you, remind yourself of two things…

  One, is that it’s not going to last forever. Bad days end. So do bad weeks and even bad years. The fact I’m writing to you from the future tells you that you survive.

  The second thing is try not to take the awful things that people say on board. Deflect it. Water off a duck’s back. Most importantly, never start to believe what they tell you. You are a special person. You are not less than others. You are not less deserving. You are not inferior. What you are is unique.

  Never lose faith. There have been tears and there’ll be many more, but if you know in your heart you are a good person, deserving of respect, if you never lose sight of that, you can get through the hard times knowing you’ll make it.

  Hang in there. School is important, and when things get you down, I can recommend going to the beach, or going for a walk in the forest. I think you’ll enjoy those things. I do. And trust that life gets better.

  Lots of love,

  Caleb

  * * * *

  “That’s a beautiful letter,” said Richard.

  Caleb noticed the psychologist’s eyes had misted over.

  “How did you feel when you were writing it?”

  “At first, I was more concerned with what I wanted to write. I sat at the table for ages, thinking about what I most wanted to tell myself. When I had a couple of ideas, I started writing.” Caleb paused. Tears threatened as he cast his mind back to the writing of the letter. “I cried a fair bit while I was writing it.”

  “Why?”

  “Not really because of the things I was writing, but because I…” He pondered the words to express exactly what he wanted to say. “I got upset because my younger self would never get to read that letter. Because I couldn’t go back and help myself. And I wanted to. More than anything. I could imagine how that little bit of advice, that kind thought, that little bit of help, would have nourished me, at least for a while. But it was never going to happen, was it?” Caleb blinked back the tears that threatened to fall.

  This time, rather than proffer the box of tissues, Richard got up and went to him. “Stand up.”

  Caleb stood and was immediately enfolded in Richard’s arms. It felt good to be held. It felt safe. Richard’s arms were like a refuge—one where he could easily remain indefinitely. He could feel the solidness of the psychologist’s muscles, hard as rock, though his embrace was tender. He closed his eyes and breathed in the man’s scent—a mix of natural body odour and a slight trace of cologne, a woody, masculine fragrance.

  They stood in silence, but as the tears stopped, Caleb experienced another sensation. His body had begun to tingle. He could feel his cock stirring and there was a moment of panic. When the embrace ended and the psychologist stepped away, he would see Caleb’s excitement. But then Caleb realised he didn’t care if Richard saw it. In fact, he wanted Richard to see it. He wanted Richard to know how he felt about him.

  “You were very brave to write that letter,” said Richard. “Well done.”

  Richard returned to his seat, though not before Caleb noticed the protrusion at the front of Richard’s trousers. Hoping to catch one last glimpse as Richard sat down, he remained standing a moment too long. As Richard turned to sit, Caleb noticed the man’s eyes drop to bulge in his own pants. But rather than look away, Richard kept his eyes there.

  “Emotion can do strange things to us,” he said.

  Caleb nodded in agreement.

  “Let’s talk about your relationships. I recall you saying…” Richard flipped through the pages of his notes until he found what he was looking for. “Here we go. You said, ‘I couldn’t form lasting relationships of any type, with anyone.’ Past tense. Is this still the case?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “I never learnt how. My parents were always arguing and my father basically lived his life separately from us. He only came home to eat and sleep. I had no friends at school.” He paused. “That’s not entirely true. I had a couple of classmates who would occasionally come over after school to play, but then ignore me and even join in teasing me at school.”

  “I see. And so how are your adult relationships sabotaged?”

  “By me.”

  Richard cocked his head. “Yes, I realise that, but how does it happen?”

  Caleb shrugged. “I guess it all boils down to the fact that I don’t feel I can truly trust anyone. With friends, the minute I get the feeling they’ve been disloyal or are lying to me or are not treating me with respect, I start distancing myself from them. I guess to protect myself from getting hurt. And with romantic partners, I tend to enjoy the first few weeks—you know, all the calls, the dinners, the kissing, the romantic words, the not being able to get enough of each other—but then when it gets serious and all that stops, I think it’s because I’ve done something wrong. And then come worse thoughts.”

  “Such as…?”

  “That they’ve fallen out of love with me. That they’ve started seeing someone else.”

  “And what happens then?”

  “I become distant. Usually I end it either directly or by sabotaging it. It hurts less if I end it.”

  “You don’t need me to tell you that it’s going to be a pretty lonely life if you distance yourself from people the minute you think they’ve wronged you. What can you do to prevent this from happening in the future?”

  It was difficult to suggest solutions when he knew that he was the problem.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “I could…discuss how I feel.”

  “Good. What else?”

  “The thing with that, though, is what happens if I bring something up that’s all in my head? Won’t that scare them away? Won’t they think I’m a headcase and wonder what they’re doing with me
in the first place?”

  “Caleb, if a person loves you, they’ll take your concerns seriously. If they don’t, then it’s probably better you find out sooner rather than later. What else could you do?”

  “Not jump to conclusions.”

  “Also good. Regarding the honeymoon period, you know it ends. For all of us. Maybe not completely, but those first few weeks or months are the ‘getting-to-know-you’ phase. It’s like the holiday. But we all know holidays end, and then it’s back to reality. Anything else?”

  Caleb was at a loss. He shook his head.

  “I think there are two more things you could try. One is to give people the benefit of the doubt. Train yourself not to jump to the worst possible conclusion. I can give you some reading material later on how to do that. People are multi-faceted. You are, too. Are you the same person twenty-four-seven?”

  “No.”

  “And nor is anyone else. Try to understand that people are going to have their off days, or days when they might not be their usual friendly, outgoing selves. Just as you have those days. Secondly, try some affirmations. They’re also in the reading material I’m going to give you. Choose two or three that speak to you and use them to defeat the negative self-talk. Say them daily. First thing in the morning, last thing at night, and whenever the negative thoughts come. And keep at it. I think the trick is to replace those doubts and negative thoughts with positive thoughts. It’ll take a while, but keep at it. Don’t give up.”

  Caleb smiled weakly, unsure whether it would work. He knew how strong his negative thoughts could be.

  “Now, next week is our final session together.”

  Caleb felt his stomach lurch. Naturally, he had known that the following week was Week Six of a six-week course, but hearing it spoken out loud brought the fact rushing home.

  “Am I cured?”

  Richard smiled. “You didn’t come here to be cured of anything. You didn’t have a disease. You needed help, and as for whether I’ve helped you…what do you think? Only you can answer that question.”

  “I, um, feel more confident. You’ve made me realise a lot of things. And that’s going to help me an awful lot.” It crossed his mind to be more specific, then realised the letter to himself had spoken to that. “I don’t think my issues will evaporate after five weeks with you. No offence,” he hastened to add.

  “What do you think the purpose was in you coming to see me, Caleb?”

  Caleb furrowed his brow. Wasn’t it obvious? “I’m not sure I understand the question.”

  “Do you think the purpose was for me to make everything better? To fix everything, so from now on, your life will be all sunshine and roses?”

  Caleb smiled. “No, I guess the purpose was for you to make me think about things and to give me the skills to help myself.”

  It sounded like a textbook response, something parroted to please the teacher, but how else could he say it?

  “That’s right. Our past tattoos us all. We can never really escape what has come before, but what we can do is put it behind us and move forward in our lives. Hopefully, I’ve helped equip you with some skills and some ideas about how you can continue to do that, long after you’ve stopped coming to me.”

  Caleb nodded.

  “How confident are you that that’s happened?” Richard went to a small desk, collected three pamphlets, and handed them to Caleb.

  “Thank you. Um, I’d say I was pretty confident. I guess I won’t know until after I’ve stopped seeing you.”

  Those last five words almost caught in his throat. The thought of never seeing Richard Johannsen again terrified him. And rather than see less of him, Caleb wanted to see more. And not as psychologist and client. But as lovers.

  Chapter 6

  There had been no homework for the final week and Caleb attended his last session feeling more positive than he had felt in a long time. It had been difficult at times, even traumatic, but he felt as though the poison had been drained from his mind.

  “You’ve made it to the end,” said Richard, grinning.

  Caleb smiled. “Yes, I have.”

  “I want you tell me how you’re going to continue to heal after this session today. Have you thought about that?”

  “I’ve realised that dwelling on the past isn’t good for me. I guess you’ve made me realise that the way I was feeling was because I was anchored in the past. I was letting the past dictate my present. You’ve shown me, that by confronting the things that haunt me, and dealing with them, I can let them go. And boy—” he shook his head “—what a feeling of relief that is.”

  Richard laughed. “Good to hear. Go on.”

  “I realise that while I was clinging to the hurt and the sadness of my past, the people who did these things to me have probably forgotten all about it. They’re probably moving on with their lives, and if I don’t do the same, then I’ve only got myself to blame. And they win.”

  “Not ‘probably’,” said Richard. “Definitely.”

  “Okay, definitely. You told me a couple of weeks ago, I had choices. And I still do. Coming here, to see you, has given me the choice to break free of the past.”

  “How?”

  Caleb grinned. “You’re not letting me off lightly, are you?”

  Richard smiled. “I want to make sure these aren’t just words. I’m not saying they are, but I think there’s some benefit to be derived from you expressing yourself as clearly and in as much detail as possible. Vagueness doesn’t help anyone.”

  “In that case, I think I can break free of the past by focusing on the present. By focusing on the positives.”

  “You’ve still got that list I asked you to do in Week Two, was it?”

  “It’s on the back of the toilet door. I read it every time I go.”

  Richard cocked an eyebrow. “Good idea. But don’t just read it. Believe it. Think of specific examples for each item on the list. And work on the items on the negative side. Life is a journey of improvement, whether we realise it or not. We’re constantly growing and developing, and while it’s good to focus on the positives and be grateful for all that we have, we can also work on those aspects of our character that could do with a bit of polishing. This also has the added benefit of focusing on doing something constructive, that’s going to add to our life.

  “Might I suggest you keep a diary? Not only will it be interesting to go back and read, but it’s an avenue to get your thoughts and feelings out in the open. It really works. Writing can be therapeutic because, while we’re writing, we’re thinking, and reflecting. It helps us to make sense of our lives when sometimes there seems to be no sense.

  “Do you think you will?”

  Caleb hadn’t considered the possibility of writing things down, but it made sense to at least try it and see how it went.

  He nodded, but as time was ticking by, there was something he had been burning to say, almost since the first week.

  He opened his mouth to speak, then suddenly had second thoughts.

  “Go on,” said Richard.

  “I’d like to see you again,” he said, blurting it out before his nerves prevented him from doing so.

  “Another session?”

  “No.”

  Richard seemed conflicted. The fact he didn’t speak straight away meant he was considering his reply. Perhaps struggling with himself over what to say. Caleb looked hopefully at him.

  He went across and joined Richard, sitting on the padded arm of the chair. He placed a hand on Richard’s shoulder. “I know you want to tell me about ‘professionalism.’ I know you want to say something about ‘clients falling in love with their therapists.’ But now it’s my turn to ask you to look beyond those things. I know you like me.”

  Even now he could see the psychologist growing hard, the front of his trousers tenting as his cock grew rigid.

  Caleb took a chance and leaned in to kiss Richard.

  Richard didn’t push him away and the kiss was long and lingering.

/>   “I’ve been wanting to do that for the longest time,” said Caleb.

  Richard remained silent, his eyes locked on Caleb’s. As Richard gazed into his eyes, Caleb wondered what he was thinking. Was he constructing a tactful way of letting him down easy? Or was he weighing the pros and cons of giving in to his heart?

  When Caleb could wait no longer, he spoke, “What are you…?”

  Richard pulled Caleb to him. Their lips came together, and as they kissed, Richard pulled Caleb into the armchair with him. His hands touched Caleb all over, pulling him closer so his body pressed tight against Richard’s muscular body.

  Almost immediately, Richard began to unbutton his shirt before pulling it off and flinging it over the back of the chair. Caleb, likewise, pulled off his T-shirt.

  Suddenly, Richard got up and finished the job of undressing, while Caleb did the same. When they were both naked, their erect cocks touching at the tips, Richard pulled Caleb to him.

  “I shouldn’t be doing this,” he said, covering Caleb’s neck with kisses.

  “Yes, you should.”

  Richard dropped to his knees and hungrily took Caleb’s cock into his mouth.

  Caleb couldn’t help letting a loud moan escape. He only hoped there was no one in the waiting room.

  Richard firmly sucked his cock, using his tongue and lips to provide maximum sensation. It felt good to have his cock sucked by someone who knew how to do it properly, taking the full length down his throat before coming swiftly back up to repeat the motion.

  Caleb rested his hands on Richard’s head and let his own head fall back against his shoulders. He began to gently thrust his hips forward, knowing it wouldn’t be long before he climaxed in Richard’s mouth. He had waited for this for so long, and now it was happening, now that all his dreams were coming true, he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold off. Nor did he want to.

  Richard reached around, his fingers sliding into the crevice between Caleb’s buttocks. The tip of a single finger pressed against his anus, causing him to release another moan. More than that, he could feel his climax building. As Richard pressed more firmly against his arsehole, Caleb pulled Richard’s head more closely to him until the head of his cock pushed against the back of Richard’s throat.